Skip to main content

Depression, strokes and seizures

Just over two years ago, I had two strokes.  Now, I had a seizure about two weeks ago.  Those brain incidents have caused me to reassess my life in so many ways.

I never thought about my mortality. I knew of course that I would die someday, but the concept of my demise was so foreign to me. I thought I would be much older. I thought I would be healthy throughout my life with some life-ending issues at the end of my life. 

I assumed I would have great health for a long time and enjoy my retirement with a full life of travel and hobbies like woodworking and writing. My wife and I would drive cross country in a motor home. We would travel to Europe. We would enjoy our son who was a gift when he was born when we were in our early forties. I had so many dreams about helping him with homework, exploring the possibilities of life, coaching his teams, and telling all that I have learned in my life.

But now, reality is setting in. Certainly, I am “getting better.” Everyone including my doctors says I am a miracle.  However, “getting better” depends on your perspective.

I know that I am down. I know the new anti-seizure medication I have to take for life will work. Soon. I know that the medications have side effects including depression and mood swings.   I am a very intelligent guy despite my strokes and now seizures.

But, this is just so hard. Every day is a struggle.

My hobbies are gone because I cannot read well now. I cannot use power tools ever. I cannot drive for three months because of the seizure (if ever), and the prospect of our family driving cross country is a distant dream. I was a wonderful writer, however, because of aphasia this blog post is almost impossible to compete. Last night, my wife helped our son to get ready for a social studies test. I cannot help him at all because I cannot read aloud; I cannot speak well, etc.  I feel useless.

I am on so many boards because I have knowledge and I want to make a difference. However, I often think I cannot do the work like I want. I have now realized that I was taking everything for granted…my intellect, my insight, intuition, and instincts. Now, I second guess myself every day wondering why I try to persevere and fight.

Of course, I cannot give up. I have realized that I have a depth of tenacity that surprises me every day.

But, it is still hard when you wake up and realize that every day will be a struggle to do even mundane things. Doctors need to be a reality check and they are good for that. They are great to list my limitations. I know also what I have lost, and I know I should be incredibly grateful.

Everyone including me knows “it could have been so much worse.”

But, I miss the life I expected and hope for. 

 I do know that it could be worse. So many people have more issues than me, and I should not complain. But it is hard.     
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Two Faces of the American Dream

The massive wave of Norwegian immigration to Minnesota from the 1850s through the early 20th century wasn't a casual choice; it was an escape from crushing land scarcity and economic desperation.  My ancestors, the Dunhams, arrived in 1851 and built a life in Otter Tail County in Minnesota. My great-great-grandfather, Jens Christian Dunham, didn’t just survive—he thrived. He served in the Minnesota legislature as a Republican from 1888 to 1890 and later became a staunch advocate for President Teddy Roosevelt. He was the literal embodiment of the American Dream: an immigrant who fled poverty to become a lawmaker in his new home. Fast forward a century, and a new wave of immigrants—this time from Somalia—is following that exact same blueprint. Like the Norwegians before them, they fled hardship to build a future in Minnesota, and many have run for office to serve the state that welcomed them. Yet, the political rhetoric surrounding these two groups couldn't be more polarized. Don...
Post a Comment
Read more

Phantom Blindness and Taking a Break after Strokes

I met with my eye doctor last week about taking some time off from my vision therapy. I have been doing therapy since my stroke almost two and a half years ago. I am tired, and a need a break. My doctor said, “This is completely understandable. Take some time off.” At the appointment, my doctor tested my vision. Because of the strokes, my vision was affected, and I have a problem in my field of vision on the right side. I have a deficit with my right side peripheral vision. However, it is getting better. During the test, I told him that I “sense things on the right side of my peripheral vision.” It seems that I know that something is there, but I cannot really distinguish what it is. He told me that there is a body of thought describing phantom vision or phantom blindness. A Polish researcher, L. Bieganowski, described this phantom blindness this way:    “The subject of the paper is the phenomenon of phantom vision. It occurs among the blind (or almost blind...
Post a Comment
Read more

Greek orthodox and Catholic‘s

Being a history buff, I’ve always understood that the Catholic Church was split in about 1000 A.D. Our Greek tour guide mentioned the differences a little bit yesterday, but she did not capture the full history. Today I saw a small Greek orthodox by the roadside and I’m going to insert about the history. Eastern Orthodox Catholics and Roman Catholics are the result of what is known as the East-West Schism (or Great Schism) of 1054, when medieval Christianity split into two branches. The Byzantine split with Roman Catholicism came about when Pope Leo III crowned Charlemagne, King of the Franks, as Holy Roman Emperor in 800. From the Byzantine viewpoint, this was a slap to the Eastern Emperor and the Byzantine Empire itself — an empire that had withstood barbarian invasions and upheld the faith for centuries. After Rome fell in 476, Byzantium was the only vestige of the Holy Roman Empire. Charlemagne’s crowning made the Byzantine Emperor redundant, and relations between the East and...
1 comment
Read more