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Dark Places

For several months my sleep pattern has been disrupted. I often wake up between 2:00 to 4:00 in morning. It is because of the constant headaches. Plus our dog Lucy expects me to sit in the dark living room and she expects a treat. 


It’s like a dystopian Pavlov’s dog situation.


Frankly, she gets a rawhide and I take a Norco to relieve the pain. She eats her treat and my pill kicks in to relieve my pain. She then sits by the window in search of the elusive cats. And I think about the peaceful dark space in my head.


Of course, people are worried about my sleep pattern. And I am conscious of this situation as well. On the other hand, I do enjoy this time.


Often I have bogged about my stroke recovery. There are no visible issues. I do not limp. My communication is much better then several years ago when my aphasia was so obvious. 


Nevertheless, after nine years of strokes and aphasia, I am on the brink of my 60th birthday. I have noticed my struggle with the aphasia is more real now. Because my recovery seems remarkable, everybody (including me) expects me to carry on conversations in the old Mark Dunham way. 


Irreverent. Intellectual. Rational. Erudite. 


Yet it is getting more difficult to deal with the façade. I fear that the cognitive issues are more apparent. Word finding is getting more difficult. The “tip of the tongue” moments are more obvious. I struggle to retrieve information in my broken brain.


However, in the middle of the night, I am relieved not to be judged about strokes, aphasia, and behavior that seems odd to other people but not to me.


The silence of those mornings with my dog provides great solace to me. I can be myself. I don’t have to worry about misstatements or misunderstandings because of my words. 


I don’t know if this will be sustainable. I talk to my doctor last week during my annual check up, he not concerned about my sleep pattern. I basically get the same amount of sleep but it’s a different time frame. I was like a graveyard shift.


Of course, I miss family time. And the doctors have a real concern about the headaches. 


Later this morning, I will undergo my third round Botox treatments for headaches. I was hopeful in September that Botox relieve headaches. Today I am less hopeful.


Despite Botox and headaches, I am enjoying my time in the dark where I can be “me.” 

Comments

Rebecca Dutton said…
I thought I was the only one waking up every night between 2 and 4 am. My mind is racing so I get up and listen to a relaxation tape. I never fall back sleep when I go back to bed so I only get 4 hours of sleep a night - Not a good thing.
March 4, 2021 at 8:03 AM
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