Saturday, September 20, 2014

Strokes and our son

Mark and Ethan Dunham, January 21, 2012
The other day, I talked to my son about my strokes two and a half years ago. Now that he is 9 (going on 20 it seems), I asked him about his reaction when I had my strokes.

He was 6 when it happened.

I did remember falling in the family room, and he and his mom woke up startled. He said he was half asleep but he does remember yelling “call 911!”

After that, it was “kinda of a blur.” He said he was not scared though he hated the hospital.  “The smells were weird.”

Mark and Ethan Dunham, January 21, 2012
I asked him if my speech issues (I really could not talk at all) made him feel uncomfortable. “Not really,” he said. However, in realty, he did not talk to me much for a year.  He avoided me. When I would try to watch cartoons with him (a favorite pastime before the strokes), he stiffened.

One night in the hospital, my wife told me on a lonely Saturday night, “Get up, get dressed, and do NOT wear sweats. Our son needs to see you normal. Have the room very bright, and be standing up when we get into your room.”

I did all of that. I rehearsed my “speech” over and over. “Hey Buddy! How’s it going.” Over and over.  The fact that I, in my head, I could say “Ethan and Heather” was OK. However, I simply could not pronounce names and words at all. I really could not "feel" my right phantom arm. 

Mark and  Heather Dunham, January 21, 2012
That night was surreal. It was like an out of body experience. We took pictures to document that evening. 

What will happen to my family? I did not really care about what would happen to me. Just them.

When my family left, I wept.

The day a got out of the hospital was on our son’s 7th birthday. At the restaurant to celebrate his birthday and my release, I was so scared. When my son helped me to the restroom, I was even more sad. I assumed I was just a mental cripple.

From a CEO to a man who’s 7 year old son had to help me to tie my shoes.

Now, he does not remember those specific evenings. Perhaps that is his way of NOT remembering an awful time in our lives.

Now that he is 9 years old and in the Fourth Grade, sometimes he seems so melancholy. He has had to grow up too soon. 

Because of me.   

Funeral program

Last night after a BSU banquet, when I took off my suit, I found this in my pocket: Mom's funeral program. I haven't worn that suit since my mom's funeral almost 2 years ago. Sad

Monday, September 15, 2014

Stroke, possibilities and friendship!

Great article about two women who had strokes! It reaffirms that friendship and possibilities are endless!

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Strokes: Is my recovery resignation or acceptance?

I went to a stroke support group this week and it was enlightening.

I have been going to that support group often on since my stroke 2 3/4 years ago. There are the "regulars." They are wonderful stroke survivors, and I have gotten to know them pretty well.

This week was different. The “regulars” (as I call them) shared their stories. However several new stroke survivors and their caregivers shared their compelling stories.

A woman in her mid-40s seems very normal. For the outside world, she seems "just fine" because of her outward appearance.

But after the meeting we talked about recovery possibilities and limitations. We both know how people treat us differently since our strokes. Because we look fine, people assume our recovery is complete. We are NOT complete. Until you have a stroke (or two like me!), people just cannot understand the emotions we go through in our daily lives.

Another new stroke survivor shared his emotional story. He is very successful and an alpha male. Like me, he was “in charge,” a leader and accomplished in every way.

However, since his stroke, the emotional toll he is experiencing is similar to mine.   He is just getting used to his “new normal.” He needs help just to do basic life skills. You feel like you are less of a man in many ways. You never needed any help at all, and, out of the blue, you cannot do anything alone.

Two other recent stroke survivors, talked about their limitations and their depression.

The roads they are going on are difficult. Their journey is just starting and they had no idea their life would take this awful difficult turn. I'm grateful that my strokes are behind me even though I know I will never be the same. 

But I've had almost 3 years to deal with the aftermath. The most recent stroke survivors are still dealing with the question of “why me?" Their anger is raw, palpable and understandable.

I'm not sure when I turned the corner realizing that I had to accept my strokes and get on with life.  Is my emotional recovery after my strokes resignation or acceptance?   Is there a difference?   

I am hopeful that I can help with these recent stroke survivors. They are “survivors,” but they just don't know it yet.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Time For Letting Go

I went to the Idaho Governors Cup last week in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. This is a annual event started when Gov. Cecil Andrus started a Idaho scholarship event 40 years ago. Last week, current Governor Butch Otter announced that the event raised $1.25 million for Idaho student scholarships.

It was a great event, and I saw so many people I have known through the years. When I started to lobbying when I was 23, I interacted with all of the governors: Andrus, Evans, Batt, Kempthorne, Risch, and Otter. Throughout my career, I have dealt with hundreds of legislators. I have lobbied in Washington, DC with Idaho’s congressional delegation. I have worked with countless mayors, county commissioners, city councils, and university and college presidents. At some point, I was elected twice to be on the College of Western Idaho Board of Trustees. So I am an elected official. Recently, Gov. Otter appointed me to be on the Board of the Idaho Housing and Finance Association which was a shock considering I had my strokes after he appointed me.

All the while, I juggled a demanding career in association management and college administration. Budgeting, HR, strategic planning, making speeches, testifying, traveling throughout the nation, teaching, etc.

Sometimes I do not realize how much I accomplished. Again, it is just "me."

It all started with a paint bucket when I was 20 years old.

My brothers had a construction residential company, and we built a house for the Director of the Southwest Home Builders Association. After work, the client would often visit the house during the construction. More often than not, he would sit with me drinking a beer with us sitting on 5 gallons paint buckets. We talked about my goals, and we loved to talk about politics.

In 1982, he left his job to take a position running a gubernatorial campaign for GOP candidate Phil Batt. He asked me to be the Boise State Coordinator for the Phil Batt campaign. I loved that! I met so many people, and I loved working in politics. However, Phil Batt lost.

Our homebuilding client and my mentor was out of a job. I was crushed in many ways. My mentor said, “There will be other campaigns. You have a great future. Keep in touch.”

And I did keep in touch. At that point, who knew Dirk Kempthorne
would be Boise’s mayor, a US Senator, and a Governor.

He wrote a letter of recommendation for me when I pursued my first “real professional” job in politics. I interned as the Assistant Lobbyist for the Idaho Association of REALTOR’S. In one year, I became the CEO of the REALTOR’S, and here I am today with 30# years of experience as a lobbyist,  elected official, a university administrator, and several CEO association positions.

Years ago when Gov. Kempthorne was seeking reelection, he called me and asked me to be the "Chair of the Kempthorne of the Lobbyist Group." I was flattered, and I asked “Why me?”

In a nutshell, he said, “You are perhaps one of the best lobbyists in Idaho. You are very effective yet everyone likes and respects you even your adversaries.”

Throughout my career, I have tried to live up to the standard that I set years ago. I strived to be effective and professional with integrity.

At the Idaho Governors Cup last week in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, it was great to see Governor Kempthorne again

Throughout the event, I was humbled that so many people told me about “me” and the respect I still engender. I was happy that people still respect me.

On the other hand, I was troubled that so many people have told me that some of the organizations I used to run have been so polarized and politicized that they wish I was in charge. Certainly, organizations have political goals, and I know I made enemies. That is the nature of the political beast.  To be effective, you make enemies.

However, when I hear news about organizations which I still care about even though I have no role, it still makes me feel sad.  How do I stop caring?

Ethan and Gov. Butch Otter August 27, 2014
The National Association of REALTOR’S is considering disbanding small boards. I am saddened because I helped create a national program to help small organizations. Another organization I love is doing political “things” I would not do. There are so many examples where I think I could make a major difference. However, my time is passed.   

When my strokes happened, my second one was so severe everybody assumed I had memory loss. Memory loss is common for stroke survivors. The doctors knew that the 20% of my brain which is dead and I should have memory losses. They tested me, but my memory loss was insignificant.

The great news is I have a great memory. The bad news, I still care about things I have no business still caring about!

One of my favorite obscure singers is Jude Cole. He released a song called “
Time For Letting Go.” Though the song is about ending a love relationship, I have thought about this lyric over and over because of my inability to stop caring politically about things I have no control over.

"And way down deep inside
The time is telling me it's time for letting go
Let it go
I keep telling myself over and over
Let it go"

I will remember great professional memories like wonderful public officials who helped me throughout my career like Dirk Kempthorne 
and helped me when I had my strokes like Gov. Butch Otter and Lt. Gov. Brad Little. 

However, I will try to “let it go.” There comes a time when you have to choose between turning the page or just closing the book. Perhaps I will should write a book myself.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Returning to therapy!

I took three months off of vision therapy, and I returned this morning.

Before my break, my eye doctor and I agreed that I should take a break. After all, 

I have been doing all sorts of therapy since my strokes 2 1/2 years ago.I just said, "I'm just so tired."Our fourth-grader started back to school on Wednesday. 

This morning I took him to school, and he complained jokingly saying, "I just don't want to go to school!"

I told him that we both had the summer off and now we are returning to school. 
Amazing but I'm still doing therapy. I'm still "doing school." I believe I have done over 400 sessions of therapy so far. 

From kindergarten through college, I excelled in school.

But my therapy is the toughest challenge I've ever had. 

This morning returning to therapy, I did well. But now I have a massive headache which is expected.

I assume when I pick him up after school, he will say, "I am so tired and fourth grade is so hard!" It's been four days.

You have no idea.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Relevancy, getting back and giving back

On November 10, 2011, I wrote a blog post about sons and fathers. My son was six years old when I did that blog post.

Now he's nine.On November 10, 2011, I wrote about our son: "He  admonished me to get a different job such as a mechanic because they know how to do cool things, make lots of money, and don't have to travel."

Today, 2 3/4 years later, I am missing our son's first day of fourth grade at Sacred Heart school in Boise. I'm in Coeur d'Alene for meetings. 

I am missing him already.

It seems so normal. I hark back to when my son said I "should get a different job."
And here I am again. Is it worth it for me to strive so much to "get back" when I miss my son and my wife?

This morning, at that Idaho Governors Cup, Gov. Butch Otter sat down with me alone and asked how I was doing. His concern is so genuine. 

Six years ago at the Governors Cup in Coeur d'Alene, I left early to see my son's first soccer practice. When he checked out, I saw the governor hugged me and said, "That is what's important! Good For you!"

This week, several people expressed heart felt concerns for me even now. I am grateful and so many ways. 

But for the most part, most of these attendees think that I am just fine. After all, I am attending the Governors Cup representing thing the College of Western Idaho, laughing like I used to, traveling, and people say "Mark Dunham looks great (i.e. not paralyzed)! And his speech came back! Wow! He is really back! He seems so normal now."

My old normal self and my new normal self is completely different.

Seems it was eons ago when I wrote that post. So much has changed: Strokes, seizures, finances, disability, 20% of my brain is gone, the death of my parents, Aphasia and Apraxia, reading and vision issues, anger and depression but some serenity about my condition, and striving every day to "get back" and to make a difference in my family's life. I still try to make a difference in everybody's lives. I try to contribute many ways to help other people.

"Relevancy" in my career is different than relevancy see in life. Can I do it all? Time will tell.