Fatalistic nature or just life?

I have not updated my blog for several weeks. “Life” gets in the way.

“Life.”

Sometimes, “life” is just a word. The text book definition of “life” is “the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.”

I am so grateful for my life. This time of year should be a celebration of life. Yet, I am having trouble being merry because of a sense of loss I feel.

Today, I drove around Boise just to “feel.” It is a wonderful winter day, with bright sunshine. I have so much to be thankful for. I look at my son's happy face with his dog, and I am in my happy place.

5 years ago, I was wrapping Christmas presents when my first signs of the ominous and impending strokes that happened in January of 2012. It has been five years of struggle and wondrous joy.

Nevertheless, the fatalistic nature of my soul still gives me pause. I try not to dwell on the past, what I have lost, and terrors of my family’s future. There is always a sense of foreboding in the back of my mind. I do not know why.

I should relish life because I am here. My struggles are nothing compared to what many people go through.

My friend, Stuart Davis, was in a plane crash years ago. He lives with debilitating aftereffects. He perseveres despite physical and emotional pain. And then, he posts something about MY courage. He is one of the bravest men I have ever known.

Matt Eames and Mark Dunham

Another friend of mine died December 23^rd. Cathie Eames, his wife, posted this on Facebook this morning:

“To all of our dear friends, it is with great sadness that I share with you the loss of the love of my live, Matthew Carter Eames,December 23rd at 12:27 PM. As most of you know, he fought a courageous battle with a very rare form of dementia over the past 8 years and he did it with the utmost strength and dignity to the very end. We ladies have stood by his side always caring, supporting and helping him in his journey and will be forever grateful and proud that we were able to sit by his side as he broke through the confines of this world and was freed from this terrible affliction. We love and will miss you Matthew/Daddy!”

Another friend’s mom died on Christmas Eve.

Yet another friend’s mother-in-law is expected to die any moment.

My last uncle is in rough shape.

Christmas Eve, 1993, my dad lapsed into a coma and died December 28^th.

Of course, people get sick and day everyday. But, this time of year seems especially cruel to celebrate when I cannot feel happy.

Mom sleeping before she passed

I will have to move on. I know that. When my mom was dying of ovarian cancer, I was so distraught about my life, my strokes, my stepfather dying, and Mom’s imminent death, I just told Mom “I do not how I can handle this grief.”

Mom held my hands. Her veins, knuckles, and hands ravaged with weight loss and a calm serenity about her welcome death, Mom said, “Mark! Your strokes happened for a reason. You cannot dwell on this. It is an opportunity to make a difference in other people’s lives.”

As usual, her advice helps me with what could be shattering anguish. I thought about Mom’s lesson today when I was driving around. I am sad yet still hopeful.

My friend Stuart is here. I alive. We will have lunch soon. We will discuss politics,blessings, and be grateful to share this holiday our loved ones. Rather than complaining that we cannot ski with our kids, we will revel with the reality that we can “be”with our kids.

For my friend Matt, I treasure our friendship. And, I am thankful that his death will not be the death of my memories of him. Where ever he might be, he is laughing with that smirking smile he has.

I am hopeful that my uncle and the others I have mentioned – with their families-- will have some solace.

Today, I will start taking down our Christmas tree. After my strokes five years ago, I came home from the hospital January 27, 2012 with all the Christmas decorations and the tree still up.

Still a fatalist at heart I guess.

Same as it ever was

When I had my two strokes more than 13 years ago, I was 50 years old. In the ensuing years I’ve had some health issues related to my strokes and other assorted “age related” things. In May of 2023, I was diagnosed with plantar fasciitis. As a result I have endured two years of pain and the resulting lack of exercise. That summer I tried to walk regularly but my heel pain was too extreme. I tried to do exercises to relieve the pain but nothing helped. In September of 2023 I asked my doctor to give me a shot of Cortizone. We were headed to Boston for meetings and then headed to Maine. I just wanted to enjoy the trip without pain. It helped a lot. Six months later I had the same pain. I went to an orthopedic doctor who prescribed minor physical therapy. It worked for a bit and then the pain got worse. In September of 2024, my regular doctor gave me another round of Cortizone shots so I could travel to Phoenix. It really helped. For a while. In February of 2025, the pain got worse. I went ...

January

January 10th was the 13th anniversary of my first stroke. After 18 days in the hospital (including my second massive stroke were I lost almost everything) we celebrated my son’s seventh birthday. I wanted to celebrate my son‘s birthday but I had no idea the sensory overload would cause. The flashing lights, the unbearable noise of the crowds and the music, and loud conversations caused me to panic. In the midst of my brain damaged confusion, I had to go to the bathroom. At that point I really didn’t know how to navigate the restaurant even though I had been there many times. I didn’t know the concept of letters and I didn’t know what “men” and “women” were on the doors. My little son gripped my hand and said, “Daddy… I will take you to the bathroom.” Stumbling through the crowded restaurant I was scared. My son guided me to the proper door and asked if I needed any more help. After I finished I came out and he grabbed my hand and took me back to the booth. In January this year, We cele...

Phantom Blindness and Taking a Break after Strokes

I met with my eye doctor last week about taking some time off from my vision therapy. I have been doing therapy since my stroke almost two and a half years ago. I am tired, and a need a break. My doctor said, “This is completely understandable. Take some time off.” At the appointment, my doctor tested my vision. Because of the strokes, my vision was affected, and I have a problem in my field of vision on the right side. I have a deficit with my right side peripheral vision. However, it is getting better. During the test, I told him that I “sense things on the right side of my peripheral vision.” It seems that I know that something is there, but I cannot really distinguish what it is. He told me that there is a body of thought describing phantom vision or phantom blindness. A Polish researcher, L. Bieganowski, described this phantom blindness this way: “The subject of the paper is the phenomenon of phantom vision. It occurs among the blind (or almost blind...

Dunham Family and My Stroke Story!

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