New Year's Resolutions and Reality

Sometimes I have posted a blog about New Year's Resolutions. Of course, I do not adhere to my resolutions. Like most people. Perhaps I am lazy or my resolutions are not realistic. On the 8th anniversary of my "big" stroke, I might be too somber to even write a blog. My goals for the New Year are simple:

1.  Do a blog post every month.
2. "Handwrite" 4 sentences every other day.
3.  Use my treadmill three times a week.
4.  Start to outline a book about my life and my strokes.

5.  Do not beat myself up too much.

It seems simple enough. The list seems attainable. Of course, there are some caveats to my list.

BLOG:  When I started my blog it was for my son. After my strokes, my blog morphed into strokes, aphasia, sadness and some hope. It was my journal. My blog served several purposes.

For months in rehab, several therapist "made" my start to blog again. The Occupational Therapist thought using a keyboard and using programs such as "Word" would help me "go back to work" and function "like I used to function."  8 years after, those therapies did help. The fact that I am using a keyboard is proof. Using a blog program presents me with other issues. Because of aphasia, it is very difficult for me to type. More often that I can describe letters in a keyboard are a mystery. Even now, the letters "P, K, and Q" are nonexistent in my brain. Grammar? Gone. Pronouns? Gone. Numbers? Gone. Even now.

My Speech Therapist also thought doing a blog would help me with my aphasia. Writing (on a keyboard) stimulates part of the language centers which were damaged in my brain. When I "write" I have to silently "talk" what I "keyboard."

There are other issues with my blog. Honesty, I did not think anyone would read my blog. It is just a guy trying to express himself who has lost the creative spirit I had. In the beginning, some if my post were dark and expressed many innermost thoughts. 

I did not really think people read it or cared other some close acquaintances. I realize know that though my audience is limited, I have to be careful to not reveal too much. Reporters have taken note. Others as well. 

Therefore, my blog is much more guarded. I will strive to blog more consistently yet keep up appearances.

HANDWRITE:  The worst part of my strokes and aphasia (other than the effect on my family and finances) is the devastating loss of language. Reading and writing (typing and handwriting) were the basic of my being from my job and hobbies. All gone. After years of therapy, I can read proficiently. It is OK. I can function. Handwriting is vaporware. In the 10 month of intense therapy, two therapists made me handwrite 4 sentences 5 times a week. After the first year, I quit because I could. It was too hard.

I am listening to an audiobook that make me realize I will "use it or lose it." Though I am really busy, it is easy for me to write "the aphasia is so hard and I just cannot handwrite." 

Listening to "Healing the Broken Brain" by Mike and David Dow makes me ashamed about lack of try to handwrite. I cannot even take note in a meeting. I will handwrite.

TREADMILL:  The key of stroke recovery is some sort of exertion. Because of my fibromuscular dysplasia, I cannot elevate my heart rate too much. So too, I cannot ski though I would love to ski with my son. My vision was affected by my strokes and I cannot safely move my head around. Treadmill? No excuse. I will use my treadmill.

BOOK: After my strokes, I thought I would have written a book about my strokes. I would have been a public speaker flying all over educating people about strokes and aphasia.  Listing to the audiobook by the Dow brothers gives me incentive. Nevertheless, this will be so hard. Reliving the strokes will be emotional. The physical and mental toll will be exhausting. Currently as I am typing this blog, I have a headache. It will get worse. Using my brain creatively, problem solving, etc. will be zap my brain. I need plan that involves realistic goals with time to rest my brain. I will commit during this next year to identify source for an autobiography and common themes to tell my story.

DEAL WITH ME:  I do need to continue to understand my constraints. There are triggers such as stress and exhaustion. I am also nearing 60 years old. I am already cutting back on activities I can avoid such as meetings, travel and positions which cause health risks, mental and physical. I will take time to rest my brain. Once I was a grammar Nazi. I cannot beat myself up when I blog and write in a journal. Verb tenses be damned! 

Therefore, I am done with this post. My brain is on fire. I do not have time to edit. I cannot fathom inserting photos and clipart.