"Jesus Christ, Carpenter" and Elton John

The other night I was driving with our son, Ethan. Out of the blue my eight-year-old boy said, "Daddy are you ever going back to work again?"

Startled, I said, "I just don't know. The stroke really did a number on me. I just do not know if I can work anymore. And that is sad for me."

He said, "Strokes really suck don't they, Dad?"

Then he said, "If you don't go back to work, what do you think you'll do every day?"

When my dad retired at 53, it was very hard for him. His identity was wrapped in the fact that he worked at Buttrey Foods and before that the B&B in Kalispell, Montana.

When Buttrey Foods "big wigs" told my dad that he would be "retired" (Actually it was a cost saving measure because his pension was getting too expensive for the company so they actually fired him), it was a major shock for him and our family.

Dad started work delivering newspapers when he was about 10, and he never stopped working.

So for 43 years he worked hard. Then, at 53 years old, suddenly he had no job, prospects, and no hobbies. He was devastated.

My dad's identity was "Stanford A. Dunham, Merchandising Manager for Buttrey Foods."

Something like "Jesus Christ, Carpenter."

Now he was just "Stan Dunham."

I suspect that my dad listed his “occupation” before "father." That was common in his era.

When dad was dying, he told me that one of his biggest regrets that he worked so hard to provide for his family he nearly lost his sons. He lost his wife, Dad told me.

I thought a lot about my dad lately. I started to work when I was 10 years old. I worked at my stepdad's furniture store, and I moved on to be a carpet layer and a carpenter with my brothers.

I went to college, and I got a great job: CEO of the Idaho Association of REALTOR'S. Through the years, actually I had several other professional high-profile jobs: Boise State University lobbyist and Interim Vice President of Institutional Advancement for Boise State. I opened a real estate school, and then the Vice President of the Idaho Association of Commerce and Industry. Finally I was the Executive Director of the Associated General Contractors of Idaho. I was also elected to be one of the Trustees for the College Western Idaho.

My point about this, my identity was about my jobs. I was "Mark P Dunham, CEO and college trustee." I am a father but I didn't think about that as part of my identity really. “This is my job.”

But my stroke messed up my future and my identity.

Just like my dad, 43 years his job was his identity. Ironically, I worked for 42 years and then suddenly my job identity -- my job -- was gone.

It reminds me of a beautiful and heart wrenching song from Elton John "This Train Don't Stop There Anymore:"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrP8tCsYQXA

"I used to be the main express

All steam and whistles heading west

Picking up my pain from door to door

Riding on the storyline

Furnace burning overtime

But this train don't stop,

This train don't stop,

This train don't stop there anymore."

I feel like I worked so hard for years, and in one instant, it was gone.

I wish that I had talked to my dad about his retirement.

I am now "period" rather than "comma."

Same as it ever was

When I had my two strokes more than 13 years ago, I was 50 years old. In the ensuing years I’ve had some health issues related to my strokes and other assorted “age related” things. In May of 2023, I was diagnosed with plantar fasciitis. As a result I have endured two years of pain and the resulting lack of exercise. That summer I tried to walk regularly but my heel pain was too extreme. I tried to do exercises to relieve the pain but nothing helped. In September of 2023 I asked my doctor to give me a shot of Cortizone. We were headed to Boston for meetings and then headed to Maine. I just wanted to enjoy the trip without pain. It helped a lot. Six months later I had the same pain. I went to an orthopedic doctor who prescribed minor physical therapy. It worked for a bit and then the pain got worse. In September of 2024, my regular doctor gave me another round of Cortizone shots so I could travel to Phoenix. It really helped. For a while. In February of 2025, the pain got worse. I went ...

January

January 10th was the 13th anniversary of my first stroke. After 18 days in the hospital (including my second massive stroke were I lost almost everything) we celebrated my son’s seventh birthday. I wanted to celebrate my son‘s birthday but I had no idea the sensory overload would cause. The flashing lights, the unbearable noise of the crowds and the music, and loud conversations caused me to panic. In the midst of my brain damaged confusion, I had to go to the bathroom. At that point I really didn’t know how to navigate the restaurant even though I had been there many times. I didn’t know the concept of letters and I didn’t know what “men” and “women” were on the doors. My little son gripped my hand and said, “Daddy… I will take you to the bathroom.” Stumbling through the crowded restaurant I was scared. My son guided me to the proper door and asked if I needed any more help. After I finished I came out and he grabbed my hand and took me back to the booth. In January this year, We cele...

Phantom Blindness and Taking a Break after Strokes

I met with my eye doctor last week about taking some time off from my vision therapy. I have been doing therapy since my stroke almost two and a half years ago. I am tired, and a need a break. My doctor said, “This is completely understandable. Take some time off.” At the appointment, my doctor tested my vision. Because of the strokes, my vision was affected, and I have a problem in my field of vision on the right side. I have a deficit with my right side peripheral vision. However, it is getting better. During the test, I told him that I “sense things on the right side of my peripheral vision.” It seems that I know that something is there, but I cannot really distinguish what it is. He told me that there is a body of thought describing phantom vision or phantom blindness. A Polish researcher, L. Bieganowski, described this phantom blindness this way: “The subject of the paper is the phenomenon of phantom vision. It occurs among the blind (or almost blind...

Dunham Family and My Stroke Story!

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