Recently, I had two “aha moments.” We went to a wedding two
weeks ago for two classmates of mine. I met them when we were in junior high.
It was the first time I have seen many of my classmates since my strokes.
Second, my family was in McCall, Idaho for a science camp. It was the first
time I was alone since my strokes.
The wedding was just wonderful. The bride and groom
reconnected at our 20th class reunion. They dated ever since. The
theme was “FINALLY!” We are approaching
our 40th class reunion in two years! It was so special for me to see
“old” friends.
It was even more special that my best friend from junior and
high school attended the wedding. He and his wife were so close to me even though
college though he went to the Naval Academy and I went to Boise State. The have now moved back to Idaho living near
us. It seemed that the years melted away.
The most interesting aspect of the wedding was the reactions
about “ME.” One classmate who I met in 7th grade hugged me and said,
“I was devastated when I heard about your strokes. I assumed you would be a cripple.
You look great! I still pray for you.”
A couple of classmates were even hesitant to approach me. It
was almost like they did not want to hurt me.
The best part was just the hugs and the relief when they
understood I was basically the old irreverent Mark.
The week in McCall was also so uplifting for me! The sense
of complete independence was gave me such joy.
Though my classmates at the wedding assumed I was “back,” I
will never be “back to normal.” When 20% of your brain is dead, something has
to give!
Part of what I had to give up was a sense of complete security
and the wisdom to be what I used to be.
EVERTHING I do has to be deliberate. My sense of direction, tying
my shoes, using a knife without cutting myself, driving, using simple tools
like a pair of needle nose pliers, carrying on a conversation at all, etc.
Everyday “things” that people take for granted..
This week was simply ordinary.
On Monday, I drove to Nampa for some college meetings. I
asked a lot of questions. For hours!
On Tuesday, I had a doctor’s appointment in Boise and headed
back to Nampa for another college meeting. After that, I took my mother-in-law
to lunch for her 85th birthday.
On Wednesday, I attended a lunch downtown with 700 people. I
talked to so many people, laughed, and hugged. Throughout the day, I did
laundry. Then I had dinner with my brother-in-law. It was a great night and we
talked about a lot of things. Just a typical conversation.
Thursday was my day of “rest.” I had a nice lunch with a
friend of mine. Scrubbed toilets, vacuumed, watered our flowers and the neighbor’s
as well (for the whole week), etc. Last night a “tree guy” removed a tree
damaged from the winter. I was with him for two hours. He is a very talkative guy!
This morning, I worked on college stuff, had several conversations
about the college, and now I am typing this blog. Tonight, I will attend the
CWI nurses “pinning” ceremony. On Saturday, I will be in front of about 7,000
people at the College of Western Idaho.
Seems pretty boring yet I also remember a doctor telling my
wife and me that my stroke was so devastating you won’t really recover much.
Honestly, still have trouble remembering that I cannot be “Mark
Dunham” again. The wedding and solitude this week were inspiring for me. Yet, I
do accept that – despite my recovery – I
am damaged and sometimes I feel like a fraud. Living my life thinking I am my
old self again.
My life seems to be like an illusion where people believe “Mark
Dunham is back” nonetheless I smile, laugh, and silently say “you have no clue
about my reality.”
Comments