She responded writing, “You are still
known and well loved by so many CEO's across the country! This will be so
impactful!”
When I announced
that I was not running for another term to be on the Board of the College of
Western Idaho, at the same time I did announce my endorsement for woman to
replace me. By the deadline to file for that seat, my endorsed candidate
was unopposed. She thanked me and said my public support made the difference.
Around 20 years ago,
an incumbent Idaho Governor asked me to chair his lobbying committee. In
other words, he wanted to use my “name” and reach out to all of the lobbyists
in the state to help his reelection campaign.
When I asked him,
“why Mark Dunham,” he’s said, “In the world of cutthroat politics, you’re the
most respected lobbyist in the state because you’re effective but, more than
that, people respect you on both sides of the aisle.”
But that was 20
years ago. The call seeking my endorsement was a surprise to me. I really think
I am “old news.” After my strokes, I left my public life other than the College
of Western Idaho. Soon, that will be gone as well.
I will be a footnote
in Idaho history. There won’t be a Wikipedia devoted to me.
Writing this blog
is uncomfortable because the examples that site makes me feel like a braggart.
But I’m writing this as a background about the repercussions of my strokes and aphasia.
Once when I was
giving my annual performance review, the president of my association said this to
me: “Mark. You are so even-keel. I don’t even know what you’re thinking about
your review right now.” I responded saying, “Good.”
I try to be
“even-keel.” The definition of even-keel is “when a person's emotions are under
control, balanced and steady.”
My whole life has
been trying to be even-keel. It was probably a self-defense mechanism because
of my childhood. You grow up quickly when you’re eight years old and sometimes
you have to be the adult in the room.
After my strokes,
I did lose a lot of me. I lost my occupation. I lost my ability to enjoy many
things such as reading and writing with ease. I lost my ability to speak well.
In my mind I lost my ability to be a good parent and husband.
After my strokes,
one of the only things that gave me solace was my sense of being a good guy
with a great reputation and being even-keel. I tried throughout my career and
my personal life to be ethical and honest. I’ve always been careful to use
my words wisely. Words spoken or written can have long lasting damage.
Even after more
than 8 years since my strokes, I still have difficulty communicating in so many
ways. I second guess myself every day. I understand that strokes, brain damage,
aphasia, etc. are often characterized as the inability to think ahead or understand
consequences.
Here is an excerpt of an article
that really hits home to me:
After a stroke, existing personality traits
can become exaggerated. Alternatively, people can behave in ways that are out
of character for them. Personality changes after a stroke can include:
·
Not feeling like
doing anything.
·
Being irritable
or aggressive.
·
Being
disinhibited – saying or doing things that seem inappropriate to others.
·
Being impulsive –
acting without thinking, and doing things that are not safe or are
Sometimes changes in behavior are aimed only
at the people closest to the stroke survivor. This is quite normal. Most of us
only show the more difficult parts of ourselves to the people we are closest to
because we know they will probably forgive us. However, if the behavior is
extreme it can isolate us from the people around us. Sometimes, stroke
survivors do not realize that their behavior or personality is different. This
can make it difficult to address these changes.
Honestly, I am frightened
every day about my cognitive issues.
The advent of
social media has made it worse. The toxic nature of social media
especially in the political realm has led me to second guess myself a lot. I
learned a lesson several years ago when I posted something political on
Facebook. A close friend of mine wrote to me stating that “you get an elitist
tone with you pontificate about politics.”
That was several
years ago, and I have rarely posted anything political on social media as a
result. Of course, sometimes I stray from my self-imposed rule. I have paid a hefty price as a result.
Recently, a
person who I love and value wrote to me noting that “you are quite opinionated
and sometimes not very tolerant of other views.” That person told me that he
will minimize contact with me as a result.
It was a sobering
comment.
On the one hand,
I was amused that those two people criticized me for my political views
especially because one is left wing and the other is right wing. Both of them are so strident and vocal about their opinions. They see the world as black and white. I see the world as shades of grey. It seems I
cannot win.
However, the
sobering part is the worry about my cognitive issues. Should I continue to retreat
into myself? Writing a simple recommendation letter as I wrote at the outset
gives me so much anxiety now. I used to pride myself on my grammar prowess but
now I worry I will embarrass myself.
More than that, I
have so much apprehension to do anything which might be misconstrued. Though I
am leaving the board of the College of Western Idaho, I will continue to be
involved plus I am still on several other boards. I am not sure if I should
continue.
At this point, my
slow descent of isolation will continue unabated. I will write the letter as
requested. I will think twice or three times when I communicate in anyway
because of concerns of my cognition. My wife has told me for years that “You
sometimes cannot accept that you had your strokes. You cannot do all that you
use to do.”
A shadow of a man
who used to be Mark Dunham.
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