Skip to main content

My limits

I have often thought about my “limits.” Before my strokes, I might’ve been too arrogant to realize that I do have limits. 

I just thought I could handle everything. I thought I could do whatever I wanted in this world. 

In the “Merry Wives of Windsor.” Shakespeare reflected my old life: “Why, then the world is my oyster, 
Which I with sword will open.”

It seems my oyster has a bitter aftertaste. I simply tired of fighting battles that I can’t win anymore. 

It was different when I knew I could conquer every hurdle. I could multitask and solve every problem with ease.


Since my strokes, everyday is a challenge. And I am happy that from the outside, people I think that my recovery is complete. Mainly because I’m not paralyzed,

But often I am paralyzed with a fear of failing. I am paralyzed because of my aphasia. Being a high-profile person in the community, I have a fear of making mistakes when I speak. “Word finding” is a problem especially when I am emotional and angry. My words do matter because it could affect public policy.

Recently, I have tested my limits because of a public policy issue. “MY words” do matter. Yet I am at a loss for words trying to explain my positions about some strategic and human resource issues.

As I second-guess myself, people have approached me to run for a noteworthy political office.

The good news is people think I have the leadership capability to do the job. The bad news is, the same people I have no idea about my limits.

Though I have run for public office three times successfully, I have to realize that my limits are real. I did harbor ambitions to seek higher office. Those dreams were shattered like a broken mirror of strokes and aphasia.

I am flattered that people think I can do what I used to do. I’m flattered that people think that my recovery was so amazing that I am “just fine now!”

Richard Bach wrote “Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.”

My limitations are self evident to me. I just can’t do it all.

Labels

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Phantom Blindness and Taking a Break after Strokes

I met with my eye doctor last week about taking some time off from my vision therapy. I have been doing therapy since my stroke almost two and a half years ago. I am tired, and a need a break. My doctor said, “This is completely understandable. Take some time off.” At the appointment, my doctor tested my vision. Because of the strokes, my vision was affected, and I have a problem in my field of vision on the right side. I have a deficit with my right side peripheral vision. However, it is getting better. During the test, I told him that I “sense things on the right side of my peripheral vision.” It seems that I know that something is there, but I cannot really distinguish what it is. He told me that there is a body of thought describing phantom vision or phantom blindness. A Polish researcher, L. Bieganowski, described this phantom blindness this way:    “The subject of the paper is the phenomenon of phantom vision. It occurs among the blind (or almost blind...
Post a Comment
Read more

What is wrong with us! A lot: Aphasia, Apraxia, and Dysarthria

This morning, from 10:30 to Noon, at St. Lukes in Meridian Idaho, I participated in the “Aphasia, Apraxia, and Dysarthria Support Group” started a year ago through Idaho State University. We meet weekly.  So, what is wrong with us? Aphasia is the name given to a collection of language disorders caused by damage to the brain. A requirement for a diagnosis of aphasia is that, prior to the illness or injury, the person's language skills were normal. The difficulties of people with aphasia can range from occasional trouble finding words to losing the ability to speak, read, or write, but does not affect intelligence. This also affects visual language such as sign language . The term "aphasia" implies a problem with one or more functions that are essential and specific to language function. It is not usually used when the language problem is a result of a more peripheral motor or sensory difficulty, such as paralysis affecting the speech muscles or a general hear...
Post a Comment
Read more

January

January 10th was the 13th anniversary of my first stroke. After 18 days in the hospital (including my second massive stroke were I lost almost everything) we celebrated my son’s seventh birthday. I wanted to celebrate my son‘s birthday but I had no idea the sensory overload would cause. The flashing lights, the unbearable noise of the crowds and the music, and loud conversations caused me to panic. In the midst of my brain damaged confusion, I had to go to the bathroom. At that point I really didn’t know how to navigate the restaurant even though I had been there many times. I didn’t know the concept of letters and I didn’t know what “men” and “women” were on the doors. My little son gripped my hand and said, “Daddy… I will take you to the bathroom.” Stumbling through the crowded restaurant I was scared. My son guided me to the proper door and asked if I needed any more help. After I finished I came out and he grabbed my hand and took me back to the booth. In January this year, We cele...
Post a Comment
Read more