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Am I a hollow man?



6 1/2 years since my strokes, I am dealing with a new challenge involving my son. Recently he was diagnosed with celiac disease.

Dealing with the aftermath of my strokes was challenging physically and emotionally.
Yet, this diagnosis is heartbreaking.

Certainly, it is not fatal and will be controlled by a life long diet.
Nevertheless, I am struggling to keep it together.

I’ve always been a strong person. Despite my strokes and my brain damage, I try to continue to lead a normal life.

Since the diagnosis of my son’s celiac disease, I’m struggling to find answers about the effect of my strokes and my son’s diagnosis.

With my strokes and my Aphasia, meaningful communication is difficult. How can I find words to comfort my son? How can I find the words to help him deal with his 13-year-old emotions. I cannot even help with his homework.

Research shown that personality changes are common after a stroke. Despite my best efforts I "fake it" a lot. Honestly, every day is struggle. I try not to let people know the affects of my strokes. I am not ashamed of my strokes. I do not try to hide my brain damage and the Aphasia. However, given the emotional toll of my sons diagnosis, I need to realize that I cannot dwell in my sorrows.

Today I read an British article about personality changes after a stroke.

"Personality changes: After a stroke, existing personality traits can become exaggerated. Alternatively, people can behave in ways that are out of character for them. Personality changes after a stroke can include:

  1. Not feeling like doing anything.
  2 Being irritable or aggressive.
  3. Being disinhibited – saying or doing things that seem inappropriate to others.
  4. Being impulsive – acting without thinking, and doing things that are not safe or are not appropriate."

"Sometimes changes in behavior are aimed only at the people closest to the stroke survivor. This is quite normal. Most of us only show the more difficult parts of ourselves to the people we are closest to because we know they will probably forgive us. However, if the behavior is extreme it can isolate us from the people around us. Sometimes, stroke survivors do not realize that their behavior or personality is different. This can make it difficult to address these changes."

One line in the article it home to me: "Behavior is extreme it can isolate us from the people around us."

My son’s diagnosis -- though recent -- has simply isolated me even more. I feel isolated from my son, my wife, family, friends, and people who depend on me.

It seems that I am struggling to keep my emotions in check. With my Aphasia, I have to pick my words carefully. But I find that I get too angry and emotional to deal with the situation.

Therefore, I have become silent and I deal with this alone.

One of my favorite poems is T. S. Eliot "The Hollow Man."

"Shape without form, shade without color,
Paralyzed force, gesture without motion;
Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom Remember us-if at all-not as lost, Violent souls, but only, As the hollow men."

I feel like a hollow man. Isolated and alone, dealing with my strokes and my son’s illness.

Hollow.
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